Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The name game

The word is out and the word is pregnant, specifically my wife. Some people congratulated me, some people said they were sorry (for the baby) and others just laughed at me. We have started to brainstorm names at work that will guarantee my children years of being bullied at school and millions in therapy bills after, which will be before or after they become drug addicted strippers with a third grade education. In no particular order, here is the list of the worst names for my children.

1. Louis Lewis
2. Lesbia Anna (I have run into a couple of Spanish women with this name Lesbiana is of course the Spanish word for Lesbian.)
3. Huey Lewis (his brother would be named the news and we would only introduce them together)
4. Jordan Lewis (but only if it's a girl, because naming a girl after her father is a sure fire way to confuse the crap out of her)
5. Dexter (which my wife and I actually like, but only because Dexter is the protagonist serial killer in a television show that we follow (yup, name him after a serial killer, there couldn't be anything bad that could come out of that)).
6. Maria (my wife will have to explain that one to you)
7. Sue (because Johnny Cash says so)
8. aostiuaijt; (because that was just me slamming my fists on the keyboard and not a real name, and let's admit, that's just mean, but oddly not unlike how some people choose their child's name)
9. Shitonne (I swear to you that I talked to a person with this name yesterday, it's as if their name was also what they will be in life)
10. Concepcion (because that's just disgusting)

On the flip side of the previous paragraph, I really like the name Abraham, but to make it cool, I think we would spell it Abe'rawham. It's like Jon. (no h) you know, because we are cool parents and we have to prove it through punishing our child. He could shorten his name to Abe for work and when he is with his friends they can call him Rawham because that's just cool. I have always wanted to name my child after uncooked meat. It is Abe'rawham, or Jessicoldcuts (which doesn't really have the same ring to it.)
I was going to do my year in review, but as you can see, this name thing is really taking up a lot of my time, so I will save you from the torture that is my perspective on 2008 in my life, at least until tomorrow.

Friday, December 26, 2008


My wife is pregnant.
She is due the first week in August.
That little thing developing inside my wife has no clue what it is about to have to deal with..... poor baby.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Everyone needs a friend on Meth

I don't know if this is countrywide or not, but apparently Arizona has a huge problem with Meth. The "Arizona Drug Counsel" is sponsoring a dizzying amount of television and radio ads aimed at meth. I have never even seen meth, nor do I have any friends who have. My experience with meth is limited to commercials sponsored by the state and a conversation I overheard in an Enterprise Rent-a-Car. The conversation I heard took place almost two years ago, but it entailed a friend consoling a mother of someone who was doing meth. The mother said, "He was doing fine, and then he got into that meth stuff..." That was all I overheard, so from that I surmised that meth was a pretty amazing drug. If people would do anything and everything to get it, it has to be good. The commercials about meth have taught me that meth will make you beat and steal from your parents, trip your friend while fleeing from the police so he gets caught first and become a teenage prostitute so you and your boyfriend can support your habit.

Although all these things sound terrible, I am convinced; everyone needs at least one friend on meth. One of the radio commercials talks about this young man that sold all of his personal property, even things that meant a lot to him so he could support his addiction. Who wouldn't have loved to be this guy's best friend at that time? "Sure I'll buy your high-def TV for $25.00.... oh yes I will give you $0.35 for your CD collection. I mean that's a lot of money, but I know you need it." You may be inclined to feel guilty, but it's hard to feel bad when you are playing your new Xbox 360 that you got for $3.24 (what you had on the floor of your car at the time). I, unfortunately, have no friends on meth at the moment and am forced to pay outrageous retail prices for my goods, but what a merrier Christmas it would be, if we all had friends on meth.
Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I have 50,000 miles burning a hole in my pocket

About a month ago I won a work contest sponsored by American Airlines. The prize was tickets to anywhere American Airlines flies within the continental United States. I was kind of bummed that Hawaii was out of the picture because that's the only place in the US that I would really like to go. Just before I turned 19 a buddy of mine said he wanted to spit off the Empire State Building. I thought that was a pretty good idea so on an impulse we drove to New York from here in Arizona. We actually drove to Washington DC first and then eventually made our way to New York. We made it from my parents' house in Mesa Arizona to a Super 8 motel in Washington DC in exactly 36 hours. There are plenty of stories from that trip, but the point is that I got a freeway view tour of almost all of the United States. I would love to go to Chicago because Abraham Lincoln is my hero and I would love to see some Lincoln museums and history, but that isn't a very expensive flight and I thought if I was getting free tickets to anywhere in the United States, I better pick the most expensive place I can think of. I then decided that I would go to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It's not a far trip, but it would be incredibly expensive to fly in because it's such a small airport. I could then go to Yellowstone which I have always wanted to go to again as an adult and to which my wife has never been.
I went a month without hearing a word about these mysterious tickets that I had won, but today the contest correspondent lady came to my desk and informed me that I needed to make an American Airlines account because they would be crediting my account with 50,000 American Airlines Advantage miles (AAA....I smell a lawsuit). Now, I have never used program miles like this, but I was under the impression that it cost 100,000 miles for them to let you on the plane, let alone turn the engine on. Apparently 50,000 miles is enough to get me to Tokyo and back. So now I have a dilemma: I have 50,000 miles burning a hole in my pocket and I can use them to go anywhere in the world. So I present a question to you, yes you. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? I would like to rule out the United States because that is too accessible to waste on this particular opportunity. Mexico is out of the question for the same reason. I have been to Ecuador. I was thinking about a nice relaxing vacation in Iraq or Afghanistan, if nothing else, than for the story, but that probably won't happen. I have already received the suggestion for Amsterdam, but I don't do drugs and have a wife that would be relatively upset if I petitioned the company of a prostitute, no matter how legal it was. Food is a big part of my decision. I was thinking England, but decided against it because a vacation for me involves a lot of food, a lot of delicious food. I am seriously contemplating flying into Spain and spending some time there before heading to Italy for a few days. Those are two destinations that really peak my interest and I speak Spanish, so Spain would be relatively easy to go through. So I hand it over to you....... where do I go?

Friday, December 12, 2008

I don't care so much

I was listening to the radio (which I always promise myself I will never do again, but time and time again, I hope that radio won't be playing the same stupid songs that it always plays) and the three songs that I could stomach before going back to a CD were all about not caring. This theme isn't anything new, we are reverting back to the early 90's which reverts us back to another time and again 10 times over. You know what, if you REALLY didn't care, you wouldn't even have written the song, it wouldn't have been recorded, it then would not have been marketed, and I wouldn't be listening to it. You know who doesn't care? No, you don't, because if they don't care, you haven't heard of them, and anyway, no one doesn't care as much as I don't care. That is why I check my blog 10 times a day for comments, that is why I cry myself to sleep because I still can't get a single soul to follow this blog. I don't care so much, I am going to get a tattoo, and I am sure that I don't care way more than you. I don't care so much that I am writing this post. I don't care more than the most. I don't even care that this just started to be a poem, it's not even a post anymore, so there! I DON'T CARE!

I don't care so much I am going to make a bumper sticker and buy a shirt. Here is a picture.

I don't care if you like it, I don't care. I don't care I don't care. (please fill out the response column below and leave a comment if you would like, but it doesn't matter because I don't care.)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Yes I know, just deal with it

Okay, so the next post down is really long. I recently had to write a persuasive essay and because I have to be a satirical piece of garbage all the time and never do an assignment the way it was intended, but rather pervert it to be fun for me, this is what all of my school assignments turn in to. Keep in mind that I am happily married. I never put my real opinion into these things, but rather just focus on self deprecation and satire to the point of just being insensitively ludicrous.

Just say no

Imagine for a moment that a man just lost his home, his car, his savings, and his family. Everything that means anything to this man is now gone in a flash. Was it the economy? Was it a natural disaster? No. This man got divorced. Divorce in itself is not the problem, but rather marriage is. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. Marriage is also the leading cause of all of the life’s problems. There are many reasons to never get married including financial stability, independence, and inevitable divorce.
There is no statistic to support that there have ever been two people having the same income for their entire lives and the lack of this statistic leads one to believe that marriage is therefore entirely unjust. One “partner” will always put more into the relationship than the other. One person will bring more time, money, and effort to the contract than the other. Marriage is often referred to as a “partnership.” A partnership is defined as “A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, as for the achievement of a specified goal.” (Partnership) Marriage is a lie. While it attests to be a partnership and a contract, it cannot be a true partnership because as established earlier, marriage is inherently unequal and therefore the contract terms are impossible to complete. Marriage is not fair for the one side that brings more financial stability to the contract. A community property state (which will be discussed in more detail later on) is a state in which after a marital contract has been created, each individual in the contract no longer has any private possessions, but rather they are possessions of the partnership. It is obvious to see that people’s judgment is clouded. Only under circumstances of extreme duress, extortion, or intoxication would people be foolish enough to sign a contract that relinquishes them of all of their personal property to be put into a trust and then rationed back out to them as the community sees fit. This doesn’t seem like a partnership, it seems like a cult. Individualism is sacrificed for the “greater good.” The member in the contract that brings more stability suffers by supporting the dead weight of the other member in the contract, then that person often wants to bring more people into the contract who will not provide any return (income) for at least sixteen years and in most circumstances never will these “children” bring anything but pain, suffering, and more financial instability as they present a risk that most insurance companies would shudder to accept. Financial stability is not the only thing that one will lose when they enter into a marital contract.
Independence is an inherent loss in the marital contract. The forefathers of this great country fought for independence and we slap them in the face when entering into a contract that makes us subject to the whims of another. While I certainly have my views on independence, I will let more honorable men speak for me in this section. Regarding independence, Thomas Jefferson said, “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the […] bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.” (United)
The United States was in an unfair contract, as is the nature of the marital contract and therefore, rebelled. Even the leaders of this great nation agree that unfair contracts result in tyranny and oppression and must be avoided at all cost. Colonists separated themselves from their marriage with England, but even the separation did not end the contract they had with them; they had to divorce themselves from England and declare complete independence. Wars were fought and won so we could be independent, yet some people insist on submitting themselves to the will of tyrants. To any person who is thinking about marriage I say to you, keep your independence, appreciate it, love it, and never get married. Thomas Paine once said, “He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from opposition; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach himself.” (Thomas) According to Paine it is my duty to warn, with all the power of my being, that marriage and the relinquishment of independence will be the end of the world as we know and enjoy it. We must maintain our independence at all cost, but if someone does fall in the snare of a marital contract, there is a way out.
Like removing one’s self from a bear trap, divorce will not leave the parties unscathed, but they will be free and they will avoid the greater evil and impending doom that it offers. While in this paragraph I will attempt to demonize divorce, one needs to understand that divorce is a result of marriage and that while marriage should be avoided at all cost, divorce is the only ethical option for someone who has made the foolish decision to enter into the contract of marriage. It was discussed that in marriage all personal possessions become a single community possession, but in divorce those items are unfairly divided right down the middle as if the unfair contract were actually a partnership as opposed to what has been discussed here before. There is no penalty for the breaking of the contract, but rather rewards, depending on who ended the contract and their standing before the contract. Many marriages are entered into fraudulently so one party may exploit the divorce laws and profit. The only way to protect one’s self from the horrors or divorce is to never marry.
Sure there are many who say that marriage is the moral thing to do and that children deserve to have married parents, but I never remember asking my parents if they are married. As a matter of fact, my parents may not be married, but contracts do not dictate who we are and how we behave. Marriage will not keep bad parents from beating their children; the marital contract will not stop neglect and it will not keep parents from leaving their small children in parked cars in the Arizona heat.
Some will say that marriage is a result of love and they want to be around that person and be tied to that person. If one trusts someone, they do not need contracts to assure that they will be faithful. Marriage is a result of lack of trust. It is an unfair contract designed for people who probably wouldn’t follow it anyway. I do concede that for taxation purposes that marriage does seem like a good idea, but at the same time, I contend that the financial loss inherent in marriage is far greater than the small yearly savings through the IRS.
Marriage has too high of a cost to be seriously considered. One will lose their financial stability, their independence and divorce will ultimately ruin them. Marriage must be viewed for the unfair contract that it is and avoided at all cost.

Monday, December 8, 2008

My life as a victim

My wife was reading my last post and mentioned that my remarks about my mother working with me were kind of derogatory. Let me clarify, my parents are the most hard working, incredible people and deserve nothing but admiration and respect (that should suffice).

Since I started this blog I have been fascinated (as a writer) with the genre and the style of blogs. In the last couple of weeks I have been toying around with the idea of creating a fictitious blog to do more creative writing. The character development potential is exhausting to think about and I believe I could make a character that people would actually read about, which is in stark contrast to my blog, in which only direct family show interest enough to read. (excuse the pity party)
My first task in creating this character was to decide the story he would tell. I decided that he would tell the story of murder. I had to think of something both compelling and horrifying (remember, I am writing this fictitious blog as truth. (Can you keep a secret?)) Then I had to think of what would push a man to that point. I don't want to spoil too much of the story, but I sat down recently and hammered out a single sentence for what I would like to see out of each post that I would do. I came up with 52 posts from beginning to end. While I have them in mind, I have not started writing the posts, and don't look for any for another couple of weeks. I am going to write all the posts before I start posting them, because I want it to be a daily affair and I don't want to be caught without any ideas or without time enough to write my fictitious post.
I have designed the blog already. It can be found at . I initially wanted to call it "Killing Time," but I thought that was too obvious (remember, this guy doesn't know that he is a killer right away). I then made the blog, "My life as THE victim," but I forgot the username and password and spent an excruciating hour racking my brain without any avail for the memory.
Dave Barry's first book was called, "Big Trouble" and in the forward he said that he (Dave Barry) doesn't use vulgarity, but in writing the book he found that the characters did. (Heck ya I just quoted Dave Barry, what are you going to do about it?) I am sure that I will find the same situation true. I just can't see a man that has lost everything and is on the precipice of murder, talk like he just walked out of church.

If you have any suggestions please let me know. I have never tried to create such a developed character, but I will do my best and the best that I can hope for is to peak the interest of at least a couple of people who aren't my direct family. (no offense, I love you too)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Welcome to December and remembering how poor you are

Yes, it's December and holiday cheer is being feigned everywhere. For the first time ever, I stepped outside of my house on black Friday. It was pretty much what I expected, people bumping into me at every turn and me wondering if they were trying to steal my wallet. I am not a huge fan of being touched, and when I say, "not a huge fan," I mean I get chills of discomfort when I see someone rubbing someone else's shoulders. When someone who isn't direct family touches me, a current runs from the point of contact to every part of my body and I can't help but shudder (I can shake someone's hand, but that's about the extent of it). So you can imagine that shopping with all those people bumping into me. I was shaking so much it looked like I was having a epileptic fit.
I learned my lesson, no more leaving the house.....ever, or at least not until I am the last surviving human being after a zombie apocalypse. (oh I can't wait!)
I was very fortunate growing up to see how hard work leads to success. My parents don't have the most prestigious jobs in the world, as a matter of fact, my mother works at the same place I do and ....(edited because I am writing this at work). My parents have always worked very hard. When I was born, my family lived in a duplex, we then moved to a small house, we rented a house for a short period of time before again buying a larger home. We then moved again this time to a home that we rented for a couple of years. We then moved into an apartment, my parents worked hard, we bought a house, and since then my parents have upgraded to a beautiful home at which they have stayed for the last few years. That explanation makes my family sound really transient. We are not gypsies or hobos, my family has just had to follow opportunity as it has reared its ugly head.
(back to my point) ..... back to my point........damn.... I forgot, but anyway.... my parents are cool and they taught me that working hard will get me the things that I ultimately want.... they didn't teach me how to remember why that tied in to a zombie apocalypse.... oh well, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.