Friday, October 31, 2008

Sorry, we don't validate

My wife and I had very similar experiences a couple of days ago. My wife was in her English 101 class when the teacher dismissed the class for a 10 minute smoke break. My wife doesn't smoke, but she stepped outside and was greeted by a young woman (class mate) from Spain. It is very difficult for educated people to come to the United States from other countries, because their years of education mean nothing. I know a pair of botanists from Mexico that stock shelves together at a bay area Wal-Mart. The closest thing they get to their field of study is when they have to throw out the spoiled produce. It's hard to take the same classes again, or worse, to take classes that make you feel stupid because they are so far below where you should be in school. People in these circumstances sometimes have a hard time, because they want to feel better than the students around them. They want to let everyone know that they don't "need" this class, but rather "have to take it" because of social injustice. This was the conversation that my wife had with the young woman from Spain. Apparently she had taken years of college in Spain and wanted my wife to know how much smarter she was than anyone else in the class and she didn't need the class because she is so smart and had gone to so much school in Spain (I am repeating myself because that's what this type of person does..... they drone on and on and on about how much smarter they are) They don't dare want to be dumped into the same classification as the idiots that actually need the English coarse. They need to feel validated, but sorry, we don't validate here. My wife also took two years of college before she came to the United States, but instead of being a topper, she listened and thought, "WOW, I sound like this when I complain about having to take the same classes again?!..."
I work on the phones and being on the phones, I can't see the person with whom I am speaking (shocking right?). Because I can't see the person and the person cannot see me, they feel an inherent desire to differentiate themselves from the other people that they believe I speak to. True example: A doctor calls me and spends more time talking about what kind of doctor he is and how much better he is for going to college than me. Of course he doesn't know that I am currently in college, but he has to feel special. I know that's why I am going to post graduate school, to feel special and to rub other people's nose in it. "I am a lawyer, which means I am better than you; you can refer to me at Mr BAR certified Lewis thank you. (or big douche, whichever you prefer)
Trying to differentiate one's self just makes them sound desperate no matter how much education they have (validate me, validate me, I went to school for a long time, please recognize me). So let me be the first to apologize, "sorry, we don't validate."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

This is why I am Jordan and you're an idiot (not you...him)

I have a huge problem with procrastination, confrontation and being overwhelmed. So my thought process goes something like this: "I really don't want to check that message because it's probably something bad.... I really need to check that message, but I will do it later.... now I have 10 messages and I don't want to check them because it is overwhelming and I can't deal with it right now." Ya, that's how screwed up I am.
So I wrote down a list of the 23 things that I needed to get done today and tomorrow and writing a post was one of them. It's my syndrome of not writing for a long time after I write a long post.
Today will be quick, I want to talk about something that happens at work.
People generally don't recognize that their phones have terrible quality and they expect me to hear them as well as I would as if I were in the same room at them, but the problem is, most people don't have a phone that makes them sound any clearer than I would hear someone under water and they refuse to aknowledge it. I love military people because when I need something spelled out it is, "alpha, bravo, Charlie, delta, and so on." Phonetics seem to be easy, but there are people that just don't get it. I was taking a VIN from a customer who gave me the letters phonetically, but like this.
A like Airy
B like Berry
C like Carry
D like Dairy
E like Erie
F like Fairy
G like Gary
H like Harry
I like Eye
J like Jerry
K like Kerry
L like Larry
M like Mary
N like Nearly
O like Oh
P like Perry
Q like Query
R like Rarely
S like Scary
T like Terry
U like You
V like Very
W like Weary
X like Christmas
Z like Sleeping

...... yup....this really happened (not all in one phone call, but it has happened)

This is the point in the post in which I would make jokes about how stupid people are, but do I really need to? (insert jokes here) I am not going to insult anyone's intelligence by actually explaining why this is hilarious. If you have any questions, read it out loud, and then shoot yourself in the face

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bum wisdom

I have talked a lot about my walk to school which is getting much easier because the weather is getting a little nicer. (It's now shorts weather as opposed to "I want to sleep naked in my freezer" weather) The area around ASU is littered with bums (it's no San Francisco, but let's be honest, that's like comparing a flu to the plague.)
First of all let me explain something: There is a difference in between "the homeless" and a "bum." The homeless are that way because they have fallen on hard times and they have lost their home for a short period of time. They live with family or friends for a little while to get back on their feet. Homeless people are just that, homeless. They are upstanding people who just couldn't seem to make ends meet and consequently, lose their home. "Bums," on the other hand are homeless by choice. They are drug-addicting, toothless beggars lying in a pool of their own fecis with fecal matter sprinkled over all of their belongings, whose life is complete when they find a drop left in the hotel 3oz servings or alcohol in a trash can next to soiled pornographic magazine and a shopping cart wheel. These guys are not temporarily homeless.... They are professionals. They take advantage of every charity and charitable person. They ask for change, but when it's anything less than a quarter they yell at you. They say, "God bless you" when you have finally given them enough money to buy that vile of crack they have had their good eye on. (Okay, so living in San Francisco has made me a little jaded)
(Sorry about the ranting) Back to the point at hand. Bums normally just ask for money, but when they decide to actually talk to you, that's when things get interesting. When a bum asks me for money I think, "Dude, I am poorer than you. Not only do I have no money, but I am in debt to the beast that is school. I should be asking you for spare change," and then I quietly mutter, "Sorry buddy," and walk on.
A couple of days ago I was walking next to a bum (correction: I was walking, he was hobbling on one leg and dragging the other like a gimp zombie) and he said, "I went to sleep when i was 21 and I woke up 52. I am scared that if I fall asleep again I will wake up and be 104." My immediate reaction was, "Holy crap, did this guy just do math!? (104 being twice as much as 52). I then thought about what he said and it has stuck with me a little. What am I doing to make today memorable? Am I coasting half-conscious through my life? I often think I have a terrible memory, but is that only because I am not doing or experiencing anything memorable? I don't mean to sound like some introspective, philosophical hippie, so for that I am sorry.
I wouldn't say that his comment is going to make me change my life, but it certainly made me think. It also gave me a really good idea. I am going to carry a bunch of ones in my pocket when I walk to school and when a bum asks me a question, I am going to ask them a random question like, "What advice would you give to the next president?" If they get the answer right I will give them the dollar.......ok so I will give them the dollar no matter what sort of senseless answer they give, but look for more crazy bum quotes in future posts. I don't know if I should make some profound statement about how we should look for inspiration in all things or that genius can be found in us all, but I guess even the worst of us have our day..... so that being said.... keep reading this blog.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I know it's Friday you lazy bastard

The weekend is upon us, and I plan on spending it drinking juice and playing backgammon. (holy crap, I am a 90 year old woman!) The juice is because of the new braces and backgammon..... because it's fun..... shut up, don't judge me! I will also be building a house of cards and watching c-span. (This weekend is going to be awesome). When I am not surfing the internet, playing internet games and writing in my blog when I am supposed to be working, I am a really hard worker and one of the things that bothers me is people finding excuses to do a half-assed job. My brother once told me something that has stuck with me. "You're adopted and Mom and Dad, don't love you." After he told me that, he also said, "I hate people who concentrate on what day of the week it is; it's just a way to get out of work:
1. It's Monday, I can't work I am recovering from the weekend
2. It's Tuesday, I can't work it's feels like Monday
3. It's Wednesday, I can't work it's the middle of the week
4. It's Thursday, I can't work it's almost Friday
5. It's Friday, I can't work, it's the weekend.
6. It's Saturday, I can't work, it's my day off
7. It's Sunday, I can't work, it's the weekend and it's almost Monday anyway.
And repeat.
I try not to focus on what day it is, because it's nothing more than an excuse to avoid work, and when you don't focus on what day it is, the week does seem to go by a lot faster.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Now I get it!

I named my blog "Shoot me in the face" because it's a term that I use a lot. When I close my phone, the message "kill me" shows up on my front display, because that is just how I feel when I get off the phone. I know it isn't true, but I fear that whenever the phone rings it will be someone telling me some horrible news that leads to some huge project that I must complete under an impossible time frame. Shoot me in the face is meant to be said in desperation. Along these same lines... I am in my mid 20's and got braces.....again. When I was a teenager, I had braces and lost my retainer. I was in a circumstance in which I couldn't get a new one for 6 months and my teeth moved from straight, to straight up disgusting. (I am most self concious about my teeth). So I got braces again this morning and will have them on for another year... HURRAY! Here is a picture.

Shoot me in the face.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Yes, but not really

Today is Columbus Day! I am celebrating by going to school and going to work, because apparently those things don't recognize Columbus for the incredible man that he was. He saw an ocean and he said, "ya, I can cross that." If there was a gold medal for oceanic travel, he would have all of them. His memory would compete against current challengers and would dominate them like a 300 pound woman in black leather and latex. Columbus.... this day is for you buddy.... master of the high seas. Your legacy of shipmanship (oh yeah, I said it!)will live on forever. Here you are:
and this is what your profession has become:

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Still Alive

I did want to let you know that I am still alive. I am working on school and something really good for the blog, so be patient. Holy crap! just calm down, you will get more. You are like a "shoot me in the face" junky. It's probably better that I haven't posted in a week, you need time to detox. In the mean time, here are two videos that don't have anything to do with one another. The first is a funny video that has to do with the title of my post and the second is a video that I posted to youtube a while ago, just for giggles.

The girl laughing in the background of the second movie is my wife. She can be pretty cruel.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Maybe you can take a picture of this

Okay.... I am shallow (really really shallow), or at least that is what I think of myself sometimes. I have a moral dilemma with my blog that I just can't get over. I want as many people to read my blog as humanly possible, but I don't want to be self important or ..... (can't think of the word..... oh ya....) a total douche.
To get people to read my blog I even thought about going to every blog I could and commenting on their post, eventually leading them to read my blog in return. I am embarrassed to admit, I actually did this, but I didn't get to the comment part, because I couldn't think of anything to post on some random newlywed mother's blog about her baby's spit-up. (That's not exactly the kind of reader that would find entertainment from my blog, or that I would want reading my blog anyway (see.... I told you, that sounds totally self rightious, as if I would negate some person the "great honor" of reading this piece of garbage). The other very common blog that I couldn't comment on is nothing but pictures. I have no idea what to say because they are just pictures. So many people think they are photographers (just like so many people think they are writers........ oh wait..... (sigh in realization of failure).
I am my own worst enemy for promotion. I don't tell anyone that I have a blog because popular culture has made me ashamed that I have a blog. The Twix commercial see below:

This makes me embarrassed that I have a blog. I am not a political review. I don't pretend that I will make a difference or get upset about things that I couldn't possibly understand, being so removed. I just want to entertain, I guess myself, if nothing else. So, what I am trying to say, is that I want as many people as possible see my shame in all its glory. I hate that I blog, but if you want to read it, that would be awesome.