Friday, September 23, 2011

Things That Get You Through The Day

I don't have a great story for this post, but I do want to push my previous post off the front page because even though it's been almost 10 years, that is still horribly embarrassing. Also, from her I comment, I gather my mother is so ashamed of me that she regrets my entire existence. My wife also endlessly makes fun of my for the box of rocks, but I wouldn't have told the story if I wasn't prepared for other people to make the same judgement about me that I have kept with me for almost a decade (what an idiot).

Moving on...

Not working continues to be an amazing experience. Evelyn is doing great and Abe is just as awesome as ever. Pia and Evelyn may go to church on Sunday, but that completely depends on how Pia feels. It's fun to show off something that you have been working on for so long. Showing off a new baby is a big ego booster because some people LOVE babies and no matter how ugly, slow, or disfigured your kids are, they will say they are the most beautiful baby they have ever seen. Now, I don't need someone else's judgments to make me feel good about my new child, but having my ego stroked never hurt anyone.

I also like passing Evelyn around because it seems to make people genuinely happy. For many people, holding a baby can just put them in a better place. It reminds them of the love they have for their own kids or happier times or something. My mom almost starts crying every time she holds Evelyn, which makes us want to bring her over to my parent's house all the time because of how happy it makes my mom.

I would be lying if I said that having Evelyn lay on my chest as Hercules (the dog) laid on legs and Abe hugged my arm, didn't make me feel very good.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Second Most Embarrassing Story

The most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me is a story for another time, but this one happened almost a decade ago, so I figure my NDA (non disclosure agreement) with my pride is about up.
My buddy and I were headed inside a local supermarket when a couple of gentlemen called us over to their car. One of the gentlemen sat in the passenger side of their Lincoln Towncar while the one that called us over stood near the trunk. "Hey, you guys want a computer?" he asked? The gentlemen in front seat opened a box to reveal a laptop.
While some people may have been caught off guard or weary of this sort of parking lot commerce, my first reaction was, "how much?" They wanted several hundred dollars and assured us, "this is top of the line s***." I could see that they knew their stuff, but several hundred dollars was more than I was willing to spend on this computer of questionable origins.

I haggled the gentlemen down to 100.00 and I proudly rushed into the store to withdraw the necessary funds for my new laptop. I withdrew my funds and patiently waited for my friend to do the same, but as he put in his PIN he changed his mind and decided that he really didn't need a laptop. He was being dumb, because a 100.00 laptop does not come into your local shopping market parking lot every day. This was a deal of a lifetime and no one would deter me.

I almost ran back the Lincoln yelling, "shut up and take my money." I gave the gentlemen my wad of 20s, they opened the trunk full of laptop boxes and handed me one.

Knowing the legally questionable nature of this transaction, I tucked the box and quickly scurried off to my friend's car.

I put the box on my lap, musing over the great deal I had just made on this laptop and looking at the specs on the box. We got about 2 miles away from the supermarket when it hit me.

I had just bought a 100.00 box of rocks.
There was no laptop in this box in my lap, but rather it was just full of weighty, worthless trash. I shared my revelation with my friend who insisted that I open it immediately. I complied with his request and was surprised to find that there were not rocks, but I was not surprised to find that the box was completely filled with newspapers. I insisted that my friend pull over to I could throw away my new laptop. When he finally stopped laughing he complied and I forced him to promise me that he would never tell anyone about what had just occurred. I kept my shame in silence as well until now, not even my wife knows this story, so there you go.

I'm a total moron.

Monday, September 19, 2011


The best part about having a baby has got to be the not having to work part. My mother in law will be leaving us shortly which means that I will be taking care of Pia and the kids for a week or so. I know that parenting is a harder job than the one I do for money, but I like my kids. I don't like the people I talk to on the phone and even though I don't have to change their diapers, I would rather change feces filled diapers of my kids than have to sell insurance to the degenerates that I have to talk to on a daily basis. Even now, the best part of writing this post is that Evelyn is on my chest sleeping away.

I don't think anyone expected me to be the kind of father that I am (a good one I think), but these little things really grow on you. Like a disease that renders you unable to concentrate on anything else.

Anyway, I am sure all of this fluffy crap will stop shortly and I will get back to my regular cynicism, but I guess you can enjoy my glass half full attitude for a few more days.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I Have Kids

In writing this post I have been thinking of the phrase. "Life is in the details." I looked online to see if that was some great Mark Twain or Abraham Lincoln quote, but unfortunately not; it's just something a bunch of bloggers thought was philosophical sounding enough to use as the title for their blogs.

I am currently relishing the idea that I know have kids. When talking about my children I used to say things like, "I am going to take the boy the the museum," or "I can't believe this jerk-face is still crying." Now I get to say things like, "I am going to put my kids to bed," or "I can't believe these jerk-faces are still crying."

While I know that a family comes in many different shapes and sizes having parents and children somehow (as wrong as it is) seems more legitimate. Pia and I were a family before we had kids; we were a family when Abe joined us and now that Evelyn is here we continue being a family.

I guess in the most forward and incorrect way of thinking. We are no longer a couple w/ a child. One can be a fluke, but two requires planning.
No matter how wrong it may be, it's fun to say kids (it also makes me seem older I guess).
Sorry for the random banter on my musings, but why else are you reading this garbage? Oh of MY KIDS. Well, here you go.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Home From the Hospital

Just a quick note that all is well and that we are finally home from the hospital, more pictures to come.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Requisite Pictures

Happy Days After a Long Buzz Kill

I will admit that missing that writing job opportunity and a new found addiction to Reddit has kept me away from writing longer than I would have liked, which is a bummer.Happy Days are here again.
Evelyn Bea Lewis joined us in the land of post uterian (spell check wants to say that's not a word, but nuts to spell check) existence. She was born Thursday Sept 8th at 10:29am. She is 20in long weighing a solid 7lbs 12ounces.
Both mother and daughter are doing fine and still recovering at the hospital. She is the spitting image or Abe when he was born (above the belt-line at least), so it could have gone worse. Pia should be home from the hospital on Sunday.
Thank you to all of those who came by, helped us in the pregnancy or just thought about us from time to time. Your thoughts, prayers and hours of service are greatly appreciated and we look forward to returning the favor.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

An Interesting Mix of Relief and Fury

This will be a post about work so read it now because when I am struck with better judgement like a lightning bolt the post will be deleted in fear that some piece of published truth might get me in trouble with those who prefer to bury their head in the sand.

I started working from home about a year ago and part of that deal was that I had to work nights for my first year at home. I gladly took the position not knowing the extent of the challenges that I would face. I work in sales and subsequently have a goal that I must meet to make any real money. Without going into too much detail, suffice it is to say that I struggled quite a bit over the last year. I presented ideas and arguments accompanied with spreadsheets to management in attempt to lower goal for myself and my fellow night time workers, but they refused to recognize that work at night was any different than work during the day.

I started an earlier shift this week and have immediately started doing significantly better. Doing well feels good, but on the flip side, it's incredibly upsetting that all of my arguments are immediately validated and still ignored. I am no longer the victim of working nights, but it doesn't make me feel better about the way the company handled or is handling the situation. I know that I should feel relieved that I am no longer suffering (and I am relieved believe me, my wife says that she hasn't seen me this happy in a long time), but doing well actually upsets me because the rift between days and nights is so clear that it's obvious that the management in my company must have seen it and just said about people working nights, "screw 'em."

The worst part of this whole thing is because I was so vocal about the large chasm in between days and nights and did so poorly when working nights, and am now doing so well working days, I will be told that it's just psychological. Now that I believe I will succeed, I will.

Let me tell you a secret Mr. Manager. My psyche was not making 16 year olds with 3 DUIs call in from New Jersey at 1:00am to laugh at me when I give them a $10,000.00/year rate for liability only on their 1990 Chevy Cavalier, but every time you invalidate my legitimate objections it does help me realize how completely out of touch you are and stain every piece of advice you may offer, no matter how helpful.

But what do I know, my thoughts and actions are so easily influenced that I could never develop my own opinions or ideas.
(Sorry for the Mr. Angry McAngerson post today, I promise to be funnier tomorrow, I just need to have someone tell me so.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Vacation And Continued Bed Rest

Next week I will be on Vacation and man do I need it. I spend more time in front of a screen than any reasonable human being should. In between writing and work and Netflix to go to bed, chances are if I am not in front of a screen, I am playing with blocks with the man-child.

I am going to go screenless this vacation, bring a book and see if I am still literate. No TV, no phone games, and no computer (sounds boring, but my poor mind and eyes deserve it.) So enjoy the week without me because I know I will.

Although that reminds me, I need to charge the old MP3 player because while going without screens won't be too horrible, if I have to drive without music I am liable to throw the car and everyone in it off an embankment. (That might have been a bit harsh, I will be super bored and/or tired.)

I recently changed my desktop picture on my computer. I had a great picture of Abe smiling and I switched it for a Banksy painting.
I don't like feeling guilty about it, but is there some parental law that states that I must have a picture of my kids on the desktop of my computer? It would certainly seem so as it is the social norm, but no there is no law (probably is one in Alabama). So I changed it, and I will change it again, and again and again when I see awesome art or pictures and if one of those pictures happens to be of my child/children then so be it. I apparently couldn't get away from a family related background though. Even anarchists have moms that love them.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

A Quick Question

Does anyone else flush the toilet before they get done peeing to see if they can time it just right so that you finish up as everything gets flushed?
If not, give it a shot. Take it from a pro.

I am not sure whether to apologize for the brevity or the topic, but you are welcome for not having a picture with this post.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

This May Be Why I Take Breaks

I have had a hard time being consistent in writing in the blog, and that may be because I need a month or two to un-repress some memories to share with you.
The wife is on bed rest, and not the kind of bed rest that means that she can go out and do what she wants, just take it a little bit easier. She is on, get your butt back to bed sort of bed rest.

We are getting immense support from the ward and there is not enough that can be said to adequately express our gratitude to my mom who is making us dinners and to our ward that is baby-sitting Abraham for a few hours each day. Abe doesn't do great with other people. He is used to having one or both of his parents around all the time, so when we try to leave him at my parents' house for example, he flips the crap out. He eventually accepts that we are gone, but needs to be entertained to keep his mind off his missing parents.

The babysitter today has two or three daughters who kept him occupied. Abe seems to really like to be with other kids even if he doesn't play with them directly. When the babysitter said he did well, I incredulously asked, "really?" Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled, just surprised.

Good job buddy.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Funny Stuff

I thought I would share a couple of the funny things I have come across this week. The wife has had a rough couple of days. Her brother was here which means that she exerted a bit more energy than a 7-month pregnant should; so she is a bit cramped up. We filled her up with calcium supplements and will be getting a massage which hopefully help her out, but it doesn't do us any good to dwell on discomfort.
Let's get on with the funny.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Think, Think, Don't Speak

I will get back to lackluster insights and embarrassing stories from my youth, but my mind has been occupied with babies recently. I definitely have a father's eye now. I think babies are cute, that is unless they are ugly and I would even tell their parents that I think they are cute, but I have one large problem. About three months ago I decided I wasn't going to shave or get my hair cut until Evelyn joins us in the land outside the womb. Don't ask my why, I just thought it would be funny to have the first picture with Evelyn be insane.

I think that people need to be self aware when they make certain comments. A 300lb man should not interject in a conversation about dieting, unless he used to be 500lbs... in that case, congratulations buddy, you're doing great. A white guy shouldn't talk to his black friends about being the victim of prejudice. For me, a guy that hasn't shaved, had his hair cut, or kept good grooming habits for the last several months shouldn't comment on how cute your baby is. If a guy that looked like me, came up to my son and commented on his appearance, I would think that he wanted to eat him (on a completely unrelated side note, that baby in the super market looked delicious).
(This is not me by the way, but how would you like this creepy mess to tell you your baby is cute?)
Sometimes people want to open their mouths without thinking, but you don't want to be the cop that shoots himself talking about gun safety.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Nothing To Write, So Here's A Video

This is one of my favorite videos of Hercules with a funny surprise.
I don't know that there is any logical reason that this video cracks me up so much, but when Abe jumps in to get his second in front of the camera I just can't help myself.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

T-Minues 4 Weeks and Counting

My wife went to the doctor (you know... the baby one) for her now weekly checkup and it turns out the Evelyn is getting ready to go and probably won't be in there for more than another 4 weeks or so. I will spare you the gory details but basically what happened is the doctor stuck her arm in Pia's (oh man, my mom reads this.... uh) fun palace?... no that's probably too obscene, void, yeah that's perfect. Anyway, she was fishing around in her baby void and felt the baby's head which I guess means that she's all ready to dive head first into this mess of a life. (Good luck sweety.)
I am pretty excited, and not just because I am taking a week off for paternity leave. I can, but for dramatic purposes will say I can't wait to see her. Still no middle name set in stone, so this is your last chance to throw your suggestion out there.

In non baby news... I've got nothing.
Have a great night.

Monday, July 4, 2011

A Day Late, But About Time

Happy 5th of July everybody.
While I was not writing Pia became a citizen of the United States of America. So now we can only judge her based on skin color and heritage, not nationality. Oh well, 2 out of 3 isn't so bad. Congratulations, now let's go sign you up for some social services!

Honey, can I take off my shoes?

That question can be interpreted, "can I please be done for the day?"

We have a water cooler that uses 5 gallon containers which need to be filled up once a week or so. When I have to get water the process is as follows:
collect jugs
find the lids
put the jugs in the car
drive a mile to the water store
fill up the jugs
carry the full jugs one at a time to my car
drive home
carry the jugs one at a time in the house
put one of the jugs in the water cooler (which means that I am going to get wet to some degree.

You know what the worst part of that whole process is? Even before the first step, it's putting on my shoes. I shower and get dressed in the beginning of my day like everyone else, but whether I am leaving the house immediately or not, I put on my shoes. My shoes stay on until the end of my day. Removing my shoes is less an act of comfort than an outward sign that I am done for the day. Sometimes my shoes don't come off until bedtime, but sometimes at noon I will ask my wife, "honey, can I take off my shoes?" and that is me asking permission to spend the rest of the day in the house.

Of course, putting on the shoes is not really a problem, but it's the step I hate the most because it's starting an errand on a day I had already promised to a mixture of the couch and the bed.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Where did you come from?

I hadn't looked at "Shoot me in the Face" for a while, but a writing job has presented itself and I want that job more than Headline News wants the Casey Anthony case to go on forever. Seeing the job posting made me realize that it's not so much that job that I want (holy crap do I want that job), but I want to write.

I used to be a regular at an open mic in Mesa at which I performed my satirical form of yelled word (spoken word doesn't really do it justice as I was bereft of a beret and bongo drum). The host of said open mic and I would talk from time to time and when I told him I was getting married he warned me to not forget my writing and that when he started a family that his writing stopped altogether and only came back years later.

I did pretty well after being married, but when Abraham came to us my writing all but stopped. It was hard to find a quiet time when I wasn't completely exhausted in which I could put pen to paper. I also used to just pickup my notebook and drive until I found a good place to write. For me, writing is a dedicated process and it's difficult, if not impossible to get back on my jumbled curvy line of logic if I am distracted or torn away for too long.

I have discussed this with the wife and we agree that I should be writing more and she will help me in finding dedicated time in which I can put in headphones and concentrate. That being said, I renewed my Pandora subscription. Music has always helped me write. Something about the rhythm, if I hear a good song, my keystrokes align themselves with the beat and words poor out like the insane blabberings of a sidewalk hobo. On a side note, Tom Petty's Wildflowers is the best album I have found to have on while writing (I wish I knew why, but give it a shot).

So here is to you, the 7 people following this blog that magically appeared, my new initiative to write. While I hope you enjoy it, let's be honest, this is for me; so if you don't like it you can always go here.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Learning Days

Abe has learned a lot recently:
He learned how to take his own picture for his new Facebook page. Drool is the equivalent of a rock hard six-pack on Baby Facebook. (Drives the ladies crazy).

We have sufficiently trained our dog to know that Abe can do whatever he wants and he has to just take it. As proof, here is Abe doing curls with Hercules (the most ironic name for a 5lbs poodle mix ever).

We took Abe to Disneyland recently and while he didn't scream with glee, this was his face the majority of the time. We are pretty sure he loved it.

Finally, we taught him how to shoot a gun. Thataboy.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Oh Shame, there you are.

One of my many social quirks is that I have an overwhelming sense of shame or more specifically embarrassment. If someone says something for which they should be embarrassed I take it upon myself to fill myself with their missing shame. Growing up, I couldn't watch The Wonder Years, because it portrayed Kevin growing up and acting like a child which can be pretty embarrassing. Scenes in between Kevin and Winnie were the worst. The muscles in my extremities would start to suffer from RLS (restless leg syndrome) and I needed to get up and walk it off before I could come back.
I feel the same way in church when some people go off their given topics into personal stories that are either too personal or have little to no relevance to the topic at hand. It is common in some churches to hear conversion stories about how someone was leading a terrible life and then they found God and are now saved and condemn their former life. They always spend the bulk of the time in their story on what they were doing. They were snorting lines of coke off an underage prostitute while simultaneously running guns for a Colombian cartel which led them to beating their wife and screaming at their children. Then they say they found God and condemn all the awesome stuff they just finished describing in perfect detail.
Mormons are a little different in that we aren't encouraged to share past transgressions because once you have repented of those things and changed your life, you really shouldn't dwell on them, and let's be honest, it doesn't do any good to share them other than to let people know that you were a complete deviant. Not that everyone thinks everyone else is perfect or that that is supposed to be the perception; we just believe that your mistakes are in between you and God.

So when someone at church decides to do that, my natural reaction is to feel embarrassed for them. I put my head in between my knees and rock back and forth until my wife taps me on the back and tells me it's over.

My overwhelming shared embarrassment coupled with my complete inability to hide my emotions compliment each other well. When someone says something incredibly stupid and their audience says, "oh that's nice," I can't help but grimace and groan. While my social quirk certainly makes me uncomfortable, maybe it should be more widespread. Would people think about what they say if everyone gave their honest reaction to their quick to speak, slow to think comments? If everyone stopped placating those that shared their most private stories (for which they should be ashamed) would they stop telling them? Well, here is to hoping so.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

One or the Other

It is important in child rearing that you get to know your child quickly so you can pigeon hole your child into your impossible expectations as early as possible. Is your child smart or stupid, thin or fat, attractive or has the appearance of a watermelon after having been attacked by birds? I would like to know if my son is left-handed or right-handed, but all he gives me is this.

Son, you aren't helping.