Saturday, September 6, 2008

Complete and total, unabated FEAR

Today I am going to talk about fear. I love terrible horror movies. I recently watched "Zombies Vs. Vampires." (just to give you a taste of the garbage that I will watch) There are very few movies that have really scared me. Here is the list:
1) The Exorcist (the scene in which she climbs down the stairs backwards still haunts me)
2) Poltergeist (clowns are evil and they always will be)
3) Event Horizon (a little known sci-fi movie that was creepy enough to make my list)
4) The Blair Witch Project (my parents always took us camping growing up so this one hit particularly close to home.)
I think that's pretty much it. The new breed or Japanese horror films like "The Ring" and "The Grudge" is creepy, but easily forgotten. (by the way, my list is in no particular order)

Those movies have genuinely scared me, but it's not just movies that scare me, it's also certain things that you may not expect..... or understand.
I have an overwhelming fear of checking my phone messages. I generally let 10 or more messages accumulate on my cell phone over a week or so before I will finally check my messages, quickly deleting the message as soon as I can trick myself into believing that I already know what they are talking about or it is unimportant enough to warrant and immediate deletion. This is a problem because I work on the phone and people call me all the time to get information or to follow up with me. I try to check my messages every day, but sometimes it is just too much for me. I know it's an irrational fear. I never think some axe murderer will crawl through the phone and start chopping away at my inner ear, but I fear that it will be someone cancelling business with me or complaining about me in some way. I fear that they are calling about a mistake that I made that will force me to admit my ignorance in my job and life in general. I (like most people) have an extreme fear of failing, but (unlike most people) my fear of failure is crippling. I am scared to check my grades at school because I might have gotten something lower than an "A."
So, step aside "Exorcist" failure is my biggest fear.

One thing that is a resounding irritation for many people about the 80's slasher films like "Friday the 13th" was that busty teenage camper-girls would just sit there and scream while Jason made a carving project out of them. They wouldn't run, and if they were lucky enough to last until the end of the movie, they would somehow have knocked the monster unconscious (Sure he could take bullets, but if you hit him in the head with a frying pan, he was out for at least 5 minutes. (shhhh... quietly..... he's not dead)). The protagonist then pokes around the body just long enough to let him wake up. While the audience is screaming, "RUN YOU DUMB B**** RUN!!!" she is still in the fetal position in the tub scared to move or do anything. She won't try to kill him, because she will never really try to conquer her fear. She will stare it square in the face and eventually try to run from it. My fear of failure works very much the same way: I have a crippling fear. I am scared to study for a test because if I open a book I might realize how truly unprepared I am and I will fail the test (wow..... on paper that really looks backwards). I don't think with the words that I am using to express my thoughts currently; I justify it with procrastination, but I know that, fear is the real reason. I am crushed by failure. Failure would be worse than death and the disappointment of family and friends would be worse than execution. I would rather die than fail and have to face those that I have failed. There are many more irrational fears that I have, but I have opened myself up to enough criticism for today..... plus I am scared to continue.